Being in a Relationship With an Addict as a Former Foster Youth

Me and My Boyfriend

Heavy title, but it's my - and many others' - reality. An addict isn't always (normally isn't, actually) a bad person at their core, though, and that's certainly the case when it comes to me and my current partner. It was also the case for my mom. I'm writing this blog post as I sit in the hospital, both of us waiting for him to get an MRI after the third alcohol-withdrawal induced seizure he's had this year. As I sit here, I can't help but think about how many others have been or are currently in the same position I'm in, and how many of them are former foster youth. Being in a relationship with an addict is a difficult thing to experience for anyone, but especially youth who already have a history with addiction.

Statistics show that a great number of former foster youth fall into similar patterns as their parents, in one way or another. My mom was an addict, and so were her partners. I come from a family of addicts, and have lost two uncles and an aunt to overdoses. I ended up falling into the statistic of foster youth who experience domestic violence, and though directly afterwards I fell deeply in love and found my soulmate, he was an addict. It's safe to say there are definitely some patterns I seem to be following, but I can confidently say that my experiences with addicts has only deepened my compassion and patience for them, and I will always look past a person's flaws and trials to the core of who they are - and at his core, my boyfriend is an absolute gem.

Where My Understanding Comes Into Play & The Triggers

Having grown up with and lived through the chapters of addiction with addicts, who I loved, had sowed the seed of compassion at a young age. For some, witnessing the things that I witnessed as a child could have planted bitterness and resentment, and rightfully so - everyone is entitled to how they feel about their experiences in life. I was just one of the ones that shot to the other side of the spectrum, which had its difficulties as well. Being overly compassionate to addicts can sometimes pave the way for easier access to manipulation from them, and it's important to acknowledge that they don't usually intend to act in a way that hurts others, their addiction begins to sort of play puppeteer with them and call the shots. I remember selling my toys during lunch and recess in elementary school so I could give my mom the money for cigarettes, and of course she also used it for pills and meth. Usually, though, she'd clean our neighbors' apartments as a trade for their unused pain pills.

My mom was a gentle, loving, creative, compassionate, and patient person at the very core of who she is, and she still is this way today. Her addiction, though, sometimes made her incredibly emotional, irritable, sporadic, etc. and as a child, it was hard to maneuver those constant mood swings. I knew, though, that those things weren't really her, even as a child. I remember the days she would be back to her normal, loving self and think "yay, my mom is back to herself today!"

With my current boyfriend, he can have a sharp tongue and also experiences the mood swings and turbulent mood switches. Yes, it hurts, as I'm not an adult and because of my childhood trauma I internalize a lot of things, but it's not difficult for me to reflect on those moments and realize that in the end, it's not him that's being cruel - it's his addiction being cruel to him. As with most addicts, they become addicts because of trauma. Self-medicating has been the top reason for starting to use behind every addict I've known. Being someone that feels a constant lingering of suffering and heartache, I really do understand getting to that point of simply needing a break from your own brain. So, I understand. It may not justify their actions, but understanding them can help you heal on your own and have the grace that every addict needs to be shown in order to set them on the path to sobriety.

Triggers

• The Mood Swings

  • When my boyfriend has mood swings, it's a trigger because it reminds me of the mood swings I witnessed in my own family as a child, and I unintentionally regress back to that state of "do whatever it takes to make them stop" instead of having the patience and boundaries I need to protect my heart until they're stable again. This isn't my reaction every time, but when it does happen, it takes me a minute to snap back to reality and not take it so personally

• Saying Things They Don't Mean

  • When in a state of intense emotion, possibly due to withdrawal or being a bit too zoinked out (for lack of better terms), addicts can say things they don't mean, and they may not even remember saying them to you. For me, when this happens, it's a trigger because I struggle heavily with not feeling good enough and feeling like I'm easily disposable, and a last resort for everyone. When someone tells me things that hurt me, I don't tend to forget them that easily. My boyfriend always apologized for his behavior and shows incredible remorse, but it doesn't quite take away the aftermath of being triggered usually.

• Watching Them Suffer

  • Having to witness all the suffering my boyfriend experiences at the hand of his addiction is torture, because I wish more than anything that I can just take that away from him. The throwing up, the hospital visits, the seizures, if I could take those onto myself just to save him the pain I would. It's a helpless and hopeless feeling when your options for helping are limited.

• The Fear of The Unknown

  • Whether or not he'll stay sober and not end up losing his life to his addiction are both a part of the "unknown," and that scares me to no end. To lose this person who I am so invested in and devoted to would be a heartbreak unlike any other, and I can't imagine a situation where I would be able to recover from it. I experienced fearing the unknown a lot in my life, so having to be in these situations are in fact a huge trigger for me.

Why do I do it? How do I do it?

It's not easy - in fact, it's one of the most heart wrenching things I've ever experienced, loving someone so deeply and watching them fight a demon that refuses to let them go. Because of who he is though, and because of the good I see in him and how irrevocably in love I am with him, I would choose to do it all over again if it meant getting to continue to love him. I've been given the opportunity to love someone who so desperately needs it, and the blessing and gift of being loved in return. I like to think of it as watching your favorite flower begin to wither, but deciding not to just let it die - you water it, give it more sun, better soil, a new pot. You'll cut off the dead leaves and give it a fighting chance. When it comes to someone you love who is struggling with addiction, I feel very similarly. I will be here to help him cut off those dead leaves and begin to blossom from his once withering state. I will be the rock that helps his stem straighten and I will be the rays of sunshine that assist him in regaining the beauty he holds inside of him. With nurturing and love, most things can be saved.

Listening to the beating of the monitors and all the sounds of the hospital remind me of time's fleeting presence, and time is too short and fragile to choose not to love someone because of their struggles. If you see someone for who they are and love them, you need to be willing to love them where they're at, or allow someone else to do so. Waiting for them to be sober before you begin to love them is like waiting for the fruit at the supermarket to be exactly how you want it before you purchase. Someone will absolutely come along and take that apple that's a bit too ripe and be patient as it ages into it's best state. Don't disregard your boundaries and comfort zone, but remember that just as much as you deserve to be loved as your present self, so do those who are struggling with addiction.

An addict is not defined by their addiction, but merely trapped by it.